Starting out on my journey I had a very distinct vision of what my dream looked like. I wanted to build applications or “apps” as an Independent iOS Developer. I have loved business as far back as I can remember. Looking back, I can often remember dreaming of starting my own business. So combining the two passions of mine only seemed natural. For the longest time, I had zero desire to work for another company or organization ever again. I remember having serious thoughts about working for Life.Church and even applying for work, but honestly, the idea of working for someone else was often scary.
I applied to work for Life.Church several times in the past 11 years. When something did not turn out when applying, I was devastated! I could not understand why I was not finding success. Many times I would make it past the initial interviews only for things to fizzle out towards the end. It caused me to closely examen what was wrong with how I presented myself. Early on in my career, I had experienced trauma as part of a large corporate layoff and I was deeply impacted by that experience. Initially, these interview experiences only served to drive those wounds deeper.
If my story would have stopped there, I could have easily let my wounds and experiences lead me to become bitter. In many people’s eyes, I had every reason to be bitter. And just as with my battle with anxiety and fear, I refuse to let these experiences define me. I also refused to let my failed attempt at employment with Life.Church rob me of the church I love so dearly. I chose to believe that God was working in me during these failed attempts. I believe His goodness was the reason I was not hired during these attempts. God was telling me, there’s still more work to be done.
Blinded By Emotion
Many times our emotions blind us from seeing what God might be doing behind the scenes. We let our surface-level feelings get hurt and rarely look any deeper. We have a hard time believing in the goodness of God. In the Garden of Eden, Eve shared in this same struggle. Just like Eve, I often have trouble believing in the goodness of God. So I get it. I also understand why some might allow their unpleasant experiences define them. It’s so easy to do!
Choosing To Believe In God’s Goodness
I just refuse to believe what appears on the surface of these experiences is the whole story. I understand there are things I can not see which would drastically shed light on these situations. I also choose to believe in the goodness of God over what I can see. Sometimes we misinterpret God. Sometimes the “no’s” are really God saying “not yet.”
Fast forward to serving on the IT Volunteer Leadership Team at Life.Church. As I began to spend significant amounts of time around staff at the Life.Church Central office, God began to heal part of me. The part in me which wanted nothing to do with working for another organization. I began envisioning myself working there. The fear in me began to dissipate to the point where I was no longer so afraid. God was healing my brokenness once again.
My Dream Refined
Now, I no longer think of my fear first when thinking about the possibility of working for Life.Church. I believe so strongly in the cause, I will wage war against my greatest of fears for the opportunity to be a part of it. God has refined my dream. My dream is to work for YouVersion or Life.Church as a developer.
